Idiot abroad

Time flies. During the past weeks it has actually stood still but the three years I've spent here in UK have gone fast and I'd like to sum it up before moving out. It's been wonderful time but also an eye-opener. I still remember those weird wondering looks from British orienteers when I told them I was going to move near to Birmingham and give a try to orienteering. Thanks for not saying it aloud but now I do understand what you meant. At times it has really been like tilting at windmills but I've had a good time too. I guess there are better places for orienteers but as a life experience it's been great.

It's funny how many regular everyday things can look very different from a foreigner's perspective.

Let me start with the left-hand traffic. You would think that it would be easier to do it like the rest of us do. But nope, Brits want to do it their way. There are a few other countries in the world with left-hand traffic, most of them however Commonwealth countries and thus under the British influence. Luckily, some of the streets have helpful directions painted on the pavement, helping pedestrians (that is stupid tourists) to cross a street. Adapting to left-hand traffic as a pedestrian took me much longer time than as a driver.

This opposite way of doing things is not restricted only to driving. Doors open to wrong direction, escalators go to wrong direction, and everything that rotates, rotates to wrong direction. Soon I learned to do things backwards, anti-clockwise and towards the natural way. That usually worked out the right way.

Talking about traffic, let's move on to traffic cameras. They work very differently in different countries. The camera itself is pretty much the same and the ultimate purpose is to reduce speed and accidents on the road. In Finland these cameras are most often skilfully hidden right after the speed limit change so that even the slowest drivers get caught if they don't panic brake right after the speed limit change. So it works more like a toll charge than a speed controller. In contrast, here people are warned about the cameras with camera warning signs just before so no one gets caught or you have to be blind to get caught. First I laughed about it but then I realized that it actually works much better. People really slow down where it's necessary (knowing that it costs £60 if they don't). What I still don't get are the "This one not in use" signs in the cameras that are not in use. That kind of kills the whole purpose of it.

Brits are old-fashioned and polite. My grandmother would appreciate that. I thought that those over-polite phrases from my English schoolbooks were dated and not in use in real life. But believe it or not they are. You face that pointless politeness every day - and you are expected to respond accordingly. When you go shopping in Finland you don't need to say more than a 'hello' (or be silent) and then just pay for the things you want to have. Maybe a 'thank you' and 'good bye' if you're really in the mood but that's it. Whereas here you should be prepared to have a proper conversation when buying something - what a nightmare! They will make you uncomfortable with questions like "Hello darling, how can I help you?" (hello what?! We just met and I don't think you can call me your darling!) or when paying for your purchase "Did you find what you were looking for today?" (What kind of question is that? I wouldn't be paying for something if I hadn't found it, would I?). Or when you go to gym, you can't just quietly sneak in but you need to tell them how you are feeling that particular morning. Mostly I just try to escape these awkward situations as fast as I can. They must consider me awfully rude and impolite. It's been a lot easier since I found this brilliant translation table

Unfortunately it's not just manners that is old fashioned. Cold and hot water still come from separate taps in most places, checks (a piece of paper which you put into an envelope, send to someone and that someone can turn it into money when he/she goes to a bank) are still very much in use, internet hasn't yet replaced phones (services available only by phone, not in internet), and people still use landlines (a form of phone that was used before mobile phones).

British health and safety is everything. You are not allowed to do anything without reading instructions and signing a healthy form. And not just signing, you also need to fill in your doctor's details. First thing you should do is to get familiarized with abbreviations such as NHS and GP (don't confuse with Grand Prix, has absolutely nothing to do with that). When filling first of these forms and not knowing what a GP was, I just filled in Sami's details (knowing that he's a big fan of Formula 1 and could probably answer to all GP related questions). Only later I found out that it meant a doctor. It took another year to understand the initials.

Age limits are fun too. At the age of 16 you are allowed to have sex but not to drink, go to sauna or cross a road. Health and safety.  

I tried to go to gym together with a 16-year-old athlete who I coach but was not allowed to do that. And why is that? Because I wasn't CRB checked. I had no idea what it meant so I googled it. CRB stands for Criminal Record Bureau. Really? Personally I think it's a much bigger health risk to send a 16-year-old girl alone to gym to play with heavy weights when she has no previous experience.

Another similar incident came across when I tried to join a local triathlon club. When I first contacted them and asked about their trainings I got really friendly response and was welcomed to join in their training sessions whenever I wanted. So I went to their swim training but because there was some juniors in the pool at the time it automatically meant that I couldn't join in. In other words I was welcomed to train with them as long as there weren't any juniors around. I must look really suspicious and dangerous.

Brits are wonderful sports fans and I love their enthusiasm. In summer 2012, when the Olympic torch came into town before London Olympics, people went crazy and crowded the roads early on Sunday morning just to be part of it. And it was just a torch. There are no words to describe the Games itself. Just incredible that we got to experience it while here.

What about orienteering then? Again, it's different. A typical Wednesday training here looks like this whereas a weekly training in Tampere looks like this. Also, here you need to carry a whistle while you orienteer. No whistle, no go. Health and safety. Another precaution includes cagoules on bad weather. Elite classes included. This rule was particularly hard to take seriously at the beginning.

My first visit to a masseur (who by the way was a woman) here went like this: we do the talk (personal details, injury history, what kind of treatment I need etc), agree to do the legs and I take my jeans off. She looks terrified and runs out of the room. I'm somewhat confused but then I hear her friendly voice from behind the door. She advises me to take off my jeans and to let her know when I'm ready. I wait for a while before calling her back. And the next thing she's massaging my glutes!

Visit to a physio went better because she reminded me in advance to wear a pair of shorts. It was difficult to get shorts to fit in under my jeans but I guess it was still better to look like a barbababa in a local bus than to show up in my panties in front of a physio. I have always considered myself quite conservative when it comes to mini-shorts etc but Britain has made me feel like an exhibitionist.

To continue with the theme, changing clothes can be a challenge too. In a gym you cannot change your clothes in the dressing room if there's another person of same sex. There is a separate space behind curtains within the changing room for that purpose. I had been going there for months before I realized what it was, so I continued not to use it.

But don't get me wrong, I love Britain with its particulars. Old-fashioned is cute, traditions are important, and good manners are underrated. I've really become a big fan of tea (and the whole concept around it), Her Majesty (and the whole concept around it), and Michael McIntyre (sure he's worth mentioning in the same sentence with tea and Her Majesty). I didn't stay long enough to understand rugby or cricket but I got to see a Premier League match in football - live. I'm sure I will miss the countryside, green pastures, canal paths and sheep. And people. You are the best!

A few more things worth mentioning:
-to rent apartment you need a UK bank account - and for a bank account you need a gas bill

-no bus stops (busses just stop in the middle of the street blocking all traffic)

-bike lanes that start and end in nowhere (haven't yet figured out what to do in those situations)

-it's normal to park on the wrong side of the road (facing the traffic)

-also it's ok to stop and park in a roundabout (not kidding, they really do that)

-schools closed when it's snowing (widely accepted that it's not possible for anyone to get anywhere)
-careful when wearing white O-pants, Britain is not yet ready for them!

-tea: always appropriate and a solution to everything

-toast to queen: a must-have in every party

Sporty highlights:

-JK2011 in Northern Ireland: my first JK, brilliant atmosphere, great terrains & courses, absolutely fantastic! (see the maps here) 

-Croeso & Scottish 6 Days: you should try!

-Maize Maze: what a puzzle! (see the map here)

-Fell running: indescribable! (read more about my adventures here)

-Inter Counties: yes, definitively worth mentioning! (read my story here)

-Public footpaths: oh I will miss them!

-Park runs: just a brilliant concept!

-Road cycling: thanks to UK and Wiggo (and Sami's meniscus) I found cycling!

-Triathlon: I doubt I would ever tested this elsewhere

Special thanks to

-Knowle and Dorridge RC: for great team spirit, support & company! (will never forget those painful track sessions...)

-Octavian Droobers: for being my home club here and introducing local O-world to me!